Recipe For A Satisfying Evening

Hear from a friend that nearby bar is having drink specials and she's going with another friend of hers, but decide not to invite yourself along because you don't want to impose on her friend-time with this person you don't know well. Go home and prepare to drink wine and surf the internet until bedtime. End up going to same bar with one of your close friends when she unexpectedly gets off work early. You're already a little bit buzzed from the wine, even though you only had half a glass, because it had been 4 or 5 hours since you ate dinner.

Friend shows up. You decide at the last minute to keep her waiting so you can change your pants, because you feel like a slob in your knit shorts. Change into your favorite jeans with the knees completely ripped out. You didn't buy them that way. Still look like a slob, but add a leather jacket and suddenly it's a fashion statement.

Show up, awkwardly debate whether you should go say hi to first friend, or let her be. You don't want to ignore her, nor do you want to impose. The friend you came with is starving so you decide to order food and say hi later.

Despite earlier desire to get drunk, order water when you don't see any drink specials posted and you realize you don't really want to feel tipsy anymore. Spend at least ten minutes staring at the menu, then order what you were originally planning on ordering ten minutes ago before you had second thoughts. It is fattening and you weren't planning on eating out tonight. Feel guilty about calories and spending money. Decide not to think about it.

When the food comes, the server forgot to substitute sweet potato fries for your friend's french fries. This means free french fries. They are DELICIOUS.

Spend two hours taking turns talking about all the things that have been bothering or stressing out both of you lately. Despite being at a bar at midnight on a Tuesday bitching about life problems and various people being confusing and/or assholes, no alcohol is consumed.

Friend gives you a ride home. Make a joke about giving her road head, including bobbing your head up and down in her general direction (nowhere near her crotch). Friend tells you that you look like a chicken, especially since you're wearing yellow feather earrings. Make a penis joke.

Bid your friend goodnight. Remember that you have clean sheets on your bed. The perfect end to a satisfying evening.